Skinny Dude Mailbag: How do I bulk up?

Welcome to the first installment of Skinny Dude Mailbag, where you - the reader - send in a question, and I do my best to answer it. You don't have to be a Skinny Dude to send in a question. You may be a regular dude or lady, or even a fatty, who has a question about a Skinny Dude. I think that I can help. Send your questions to skinnydudes@gmail.com, post them in the comments or enter them in the chat box to the right!

QUESTION:

Dude im a skinny guy, actually im underweight...

im a 5'6 1/2, 105-112 pound puerto rican born in Boston MA, except im almost never hungry and im even somewhat strong for some reason...i work out once in a blue moon...randomly...

But i do care about getting bigger i try but it seems almost impossible cuz i get full so damn easy and have almost no damn appetite...i used to be insecure about it and i still am a little bit but not as much as before. I do have advantages...But its still taking a while for me to get comfortable with it cuz im am embarrassed to show off my body in public and to take my shirt off...i feel comfortable with my cloths on and with extra layers kinda feels like armor...and i have an obsession with any violent street fighting games and weapons and almost always ready for a fight...

im not an athlete.

I been sizing people up all my life, even myself, i want someone to see for their self for once what im all about...u tell me...

I'll send you a pic of myself...

what do you think this all means?

Well, Skinny Puerto Rican...

First, I think you have problems. That is the number one takeaway from this correspondence. Your main problem is your skinny-loathing. Why would you possibly want to be any bigger than your wonderful skinny self? Fat dudes want to be you, hipster ladies want to share their jeans with you...what's the problem, exactly? Instead of burying what God gave you under layers of oppressive armor you should be shirtless and in the streets! Walk up to every person you see, point to your chest (which should have "JEALOUS?" scrawled across it) and give people a sassy look. I imagine you would look something like this:



So stop all this wanting to fight people and focus on your advantages - being Skinny. Ask any fellow Skinny, the rest will just come naturally.

Skinny Dude Career: Stuntman for a Lady

My Special Dude (He is normally sized and on the trim side, if you must know) and I were at the Brew & View at the Magic Bag in Ferndale, MI the other night when we came across one of the most perfect jobs for a Skinny Dude. No, it's not Skinny Hipster Barwench, although that is a fine profession and may be featured on the blog at a future date.

Before the movie starts, the fine crew at the Magic Bag (Hey Magic Bag, feel free to advertise on this blog in return for all the FREE PRESS...WHICH WOULD NO LONGER MAKE IT "FREE" I GUESS...BUT WHO'S COUNTING? NOT ME. UNLESS I AM COUNTING THE ADVERTISING REVENUE THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO GIVE ME) like to play a DVD of their choosing. It was at the Magic Bag that I first was introduced to the cult show H.R. Pufnstuf which has nothing to do with being Skinny, but a lot to do with being high.

The pre-movie DVD that they were playing this time around was the first season of the TV show, Charlie's Angels. At first I was really confused because I had only seen the far, far superior theatrical remakes starring the greatest actresses of our time (Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore & Lucy Liu in case you need a refresher). I was about to ask the management to get with the times, when the following scene appeared on the screen:



I guess this is a rather iconic scene from the series. That's what pld people have told me, anyway. The thing that caught my eye was the stand in for Farrah Fawcett. TOTALLY A SKINNY DUDE! I had to make sure, so I took my brain to the interwebs. While he isn't credited "officially" on the internet bible of TV & Movies, some other sources seem to think that that stand in is living legend (thanks Tyra) and original Z-Boy Stacy Peralta.







Unemployed Skinny Dudes - hear me now! Learn to skateboard, get some highwaisted jeans (borrow them from your girlfriend!) get a wig, and let the profits come rolling in. Skateboarding is only one of the many stunts you can be employed to perform. Other stunts include:

*Lady Fighting
*G.I. Jane
*Child Tripping and Falling down
*Squeezing through a car door that is on fire and can only be opened a crack
*The Skinny Flying Squirrel
*Hooker running from Pimp
*The Wet Noodle
*Starving to Death

...and much, much more!

If you are employed as a Stuntman for a Lady, you really should write a letter to Stacy Peralta thanking him for saying "Yes I can...Yes I can do things that a lady can't and shouldn't do" and opening so many doors for Skinnies like y'all.

Skinny Dude Fetish: Lift and Carry

As I was watching G4 the other day, they mentioned something that I was completely unaware of and baffled by. Some fans of Skinny Dudes like to take their fandom to the "sexy level" and they do so by way of a little fetish called "Lift and Carry":



Now would be a good time to clarify what I mean when I say "Skinny Dudes and the people that LOVE them" - specifically the "LOVE" part. While some people may actually love, as in - have affection for, Skinny Dudes...I mean it more along the lines of "admiration" or in an I-like-what-you're-puttin'-down kinda way. "Respect" is another word for it. I respect their Skinny. These "Lift and Carry" people LOVE Skinny Dudes in an I-want-to-dominate-your-Skinny-Frame-by-hoisting-you-to-the-heavens-then-ravish-you-with-my-Amazonian-body kinda way. Nothing wrong with that. I just thought now would be a good time to clarify my intentions with this blog.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I feel it is my duty to bring this to the attention of any possible Skinny Dude readers who may be into this kind of thing. Apparently, this is a real thing - and by the quality of the above video, this seems to have been going on for a while. My extensive (read: brief drunken googling) of the subject has learned me this:

Lift and Carry is an interest wherein a person may receive sexual stimulation by either being carried around by another person or carrying one themselves.

Some individuals are aroused by the fact that they feel dominated because another person carries them and they have no control. In this case, the person usually likes the one who is carrying them to be strong and muscular.

This fetish doesn't exclusively apply to Skinny Dudes, but it appears that many-a-kinky-Skinny has benefited from his small frame & strange fetish combo. If you are Skinny it is easier to be lifted by a lady. Not too much brain-thinkin' needed to figure that one out. In conclusion, if you're a Skinny Dude looking to get-off by being lifted up by a bigger lady and didn't know about this until this very moment...You're Welcome?

I'm really only posting this in hopes to get more traffic to the blog. Y'all know that the interweb was invented for this kind of shit.

...And A Skinny Set Them Free

Congrats goes out to the Skinny Dude!! Let me know when you're ready for your interview, Barack.

Skinny Voter in the Wild

I bet he voted for the Skinny Dude.

Skinny Dude Interview: Nate R.

On this election day, I'd like to provide all of you with something very important. Our very first interview with a REAL LIVE SKINNY DUDE! I know this Skinny personally. We both are affiliated with the hooligans known as the Rovers Scooter Club. He also writes a food blog, exemplifying his status as a TRUE Skinny Dude. Ladies & Skinny Dudes, I present for your line-at-the-polls reading pleasure, an interview with a Skinny Dude:



Name: Nate R.
Age: 25
Occupation: Copywriter
Status: Skinny & Single
Weight: 148.5
Waist: 29"

A: Well, first I should thank you for bringing your Skinny into our home. We appreciate it. I feel thinner just being around you. We’ll start with the particulars. What size jeans do you wear?

SD: 29X32

A: Where do you shop?

SD: H&M, but all my jeans are Levi’s.

A: Do you feel they have good jeans for a Skinny Dude?

SD: Yeah, I actually bought real skinny jeans recently, it’s the first time I’ve owned “official” skinny jeans. They did the job.

A: They were men’s skinny jeans?

SD: Yeah. I don’t wear women’s jeans.

A: Sometimes Skinny Dudes have to wear women’s jeans.

SD: Yeah…I don’t do that.

A: Have you ever been mistaken for a child?

SD: Yes, all the time. Or…a minor, I should say. Most people don’t believe I’m 25. I think most people think I’m about 17.

A: Yeah…well, that’s the Skinny for ya. How much food would you say you eat in a day?

SD: Well, I definitely eat three meals…probably at least three snacks. I kind of eat constantly. At the office there’s always free food and so I’m always taking advantage of that. There’s a movie theater popcorn maker there...

A: Oooh!

SD: ...So I eat that a lot. When it first came out I was having four bags a day. It became a problem.



A: but you never gained an ounce, I take it?

SD: Well, for the longest time I weighed like, 135lbs and according to the scale in my friend’s bathroom I weigh 150lbs now.

A: Now??

SD: Yeah.

A: Well, you don’t look an ounce over 130.

SD: Yeah, so…that might be an inaccurate scale.

A: What is your favorite food?

SD: I could eat Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza’s forever. I’ve been eating those for as long as I remember. I used to come home everyday after high school and eat one.

A: Those rule. You said they have a new package, what’s that all about?

SD: They do have a new package. It’s a cheaper feeling wrapper. It’s more loud and crinkly, while the other kind was more of a soft, more heavy-duty plastic. But this one has the seam you can tear open with your hands, where as the other one you had to cut open with a knife.

A: What is your favorite flavor of Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza?

SD: Pepperoni.



A: Ok. Let’s see…What is the smallest crevice you’ve ever squeezed through? This is an important question, as it is part of the Skinny Dude Olympics.

SD: Oh man…

A: You’ve had to have shimmied your way through something at one point or another in your life…

SD: Well, I’m sure there have been ones skinnier than this, but the skinniest one that I can remember is in Ypsilanti. There is an abandoned paper mill with a dam & a waterfall on the other side of fence that leads up to the side of the abandoned building. But there’s a crack in the fence that you can squeeze through, if you’re lucky. You can go down this concrete platform and look over the river on the waterfall. I’ve been able to squeeze through that & take in the majestic views of the ghetto.

A: Were you the only one in your group of friends that could make it through?

SD: I was with my friend Bobby who is also very skinny.

A: Oh…can you put me in touch with him?

SD: I can try, he’s hard to get in touch with.

A: Alright, see what you can do. So what would you do if you weren’t skinny?

SD: I think people would think I was less novel. I’d go a lot slower on my Vespa. I think people would be less amused by my food blog. Maybe people would think I was my age. People must think all the time “Why is this 17 year old guy talking to me?”.



A: What is the hardest part about being a Skinny Dude?

SD: When people are always telling me, “Well, someday you’re gonna get fat!” because I’m pretty convinced that I’m not. If you look at my family, we’re all skinny. Even into old age. And we also have beautiful, luscious heads of hair on both sides. So I’m not very worried.

A: What can the world do to better cater to the skinny kind? What more can we do?

SD: Turn up your thermostats higher, provide a lot more free food. Because just because I’m skinny doesn’t mean I don’t want to eat a lot. It’s quite the opposite, I digest food quickly so I need to eat more. And I’m always on the hunt for food.

A: Do you have any tips for aspiring Skinny Dudes? Aside from dieting, which would disqualify them from this blog?

SD: If you’re an aspiring Skinny Dude, I’d say cut it out because you’re not fooling anyone and it’s going to come back to bite you in the ass someday.

A: Sweet. Well, I think that’s it. That’s the interview. So…let’s go get some red lobster.



And we did, dear readers. We went and got some red lobster. Nate R. ate 93 shrimp. I witnessed this. He is a true Skinny Dude, and one that I am very proud and honored to know. Thanks for your time, Nate. Keep being Skinny.