Skinny Dude Mailbag: How do I bulk up?

Welcome to the first installment of Skinny Dude Mailbag, where you - the reader - send in a question, and I do my best to answer it. You don't have to be a Skinny Dude to send in a question. You may be a regular dude or lady, or even a fatty, who has a question about a Skinny Dude. I think that I can help. Send your questions to skinnydudes@gmail.com, post them in the comments or enter them in the chat box to the right!

QUESTION:

Dude im a skinny guy, actually im underweight...

im a 5'6 1/2, 105-112 pound puerto rican born in Boston MA, except im almost never hungry and im even somewhat strong for some reason...i work out once in a blue moon...randomly...

But i do care about getting bigger i try but it seems almost impossible cuz i get full so damn easy and have almost no damn appetite...i used to be insecure about it and i still am a little bit but not as much as before. I do have advantages...But its still taking a while for me to get comfortable with it cuz im am embarrassed to show off my body in public and to take my shirt off...i feel comfortable with my cloths on and with extra layers kinda feels like armor...and i have an obsession with any violent street fighting games and weapons and almost always ready for a fight...

im not an athlete.

I been sizing people up all my life, even myself, i want someone to see for their self for once what im all about...u tell me...

I'll send you a pic of myself...

what do you think this all means?

Well, Skinny Puerto Rican...

First, I think you have problems. That is the number one takeaway from this correspondence. Your main problem is your skinny-loathing. Why would you possibly want to be any bigger than your wonderful skinny self? Fat dudes want to be you, hipster ladies want to share their jeans with you...what's the problem, exactly? Instead of burying what God gave you under layers of oppressive armor you should be shirtless and in the streets! Walk up to every person you see, point to your chest (which should have "JEALOUS?" scrawled across it) and give people a sassy look. I imagine you would look something like this:



So stop all this wanting to fight people and focus on your advantages - being Skinny. Ask any fellow Skinny, the rest will just come naturally.

Skinny Dude Career: Stuntman for a Lady

My Special Dude (He is normally sized and on the trim side, if you must know) and I were at the Brew & View at the Magic Bag in Ferndale, MI the other night when we came across one of the most perfect jobs for a Skinny Dude. No, it's not Skinny Hipster Barwench, although that is a fine profession and may be featured on the blog at a future date.

Before the movie starts, the fine crew at the Magic Bag (Hey Magic Bag, feel free to advertise on this blog in return for all the FREE PRESS...WHICH WOULD NO LONGER MAKE IT "FREE" I GUESS...BUT WHO'S COUNTING? NOT ME. UNLESS I AM COUNTING THE ADVERTISING REVENUE THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO GIVE ME) like to play a DVD of their choosing. It was at the Magic Bag that I first was introduced to the cult show H.R. Pufnstuf which has nothing to do with being Skinny, but a lot to do with being high.

The pre-movie DVD that they were playing this time around was the first season of the TV show, Charlie's Angels. At first I was really confused because I had only seen the far, far superior theatrical remakes starring the greatest actresses of our time (Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore & Lucy Liu in case you need a refresher). I was about to ask the management to get with the times, when the following scene appeared on the screen:



I guess this is a rather iconic scene from the series. That's what pld people have told me, anyway. The thing that caught my eye was the stand in for Farrah Fawcett. TOTALLY A SKINNY DUDE! I had to make sure, so I took my brain to the interwebs. While he isn't credited "officially" on the internet bible of TV & Movies, some other sources seem to think that that stand in is living legend (thanks Tyra) and original Z-Boy Stacy Peralta.







Unemployed Skinny Dudes - hear me now! Learn to skateboard, get some highwaisted jeans (borrow them from your girlfriend!) get a wig, and let the profits come rolling in. Skateboarding is only one of the many stunts you can be employed to perform. Other stunts include:

*Lady Fighting
*G.I. Jane
*Child Tripping and Falling down
*Squeezing through a car door that is on fire and can only be opened a crack
*The Skinny Flying Squirrel
*Hooker running from Pimp
*The Wet Noodle
*Starving to Death

...and much, much more!

If you are employed as a Stuntman for a Lady, you really should write a letter to Stacy Peralta thanking him for saying "Yes I can...Yes I can do things that a lady can't and shouldn't do" and opening so many doors for Skinnies like y'all.

Skinny Dude Fetish: Lift and Carry

As I was watching G4 the other day, they mentioned something that I was completely unaware of and baffled by. Some fans of Skinny Dudes like to take their fandom to the "sexy level" and they do so by way of a little fetish called "Lift and Carry":



Now would be a good time to clarify what I mean when I say "Skinny Dudes and the people that LOVE them" - specifically the "LOVE" part. While some people may actually love, as in - have affection for, Skinny Dudes...I mean it more along the lines of "admiration" or in an I-like-what-you're-puttin'-down kinda way. "Respect" is another word for it. I respect their Skinny. These "Lift and Carry" people LOVE Skinny Dudes in an I-want-to-dominate-your-Skinny-Frame-by-hoisting-you-to-the-heavens-then-ravish-you-with-my-Amazonian-body kinda way. Nothing wrong with that. I just thought now would be a good time to clarify my intentions with this blog.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I feel it is my duty to bring this to the attention of any possible Skinny Dude readers who may be into this kind of thing. Apparently, this is a real thing - and by the quality of the above video, this seems to have been going on for a while. My extensive (read: brief drunken googling) of the subject has learned me this:

Lift and Carry is an interest wherein a person may receive sexual stimulation by either being carried around by another person or carrying one themselves.

Some individuals are aroused by the fact that they feel dominated because another person carries them and they have no control. In this case, the person usually likes the one who is carrying them to be strong and muscular.

This fetish doesn't exclusively apply to Skinny Dudes, but it appears that many-a-kinky-Skinny has benefited from his small frame & strange fetish combo. If you are Skinny it is easier to be lifted by a lady. Not too much brain-thinkin' needed to figure that one out. In conclusion, if you're a Skinny Dude looking to get-off by being lifted up by a bigger lady and didn't know about this until this very moment...You're Welcome?

I'm really only posting this in hopes to get more traffic to the blog. Y'all know that the interweb was invented for this kind of shit.

...And A Skinny Set Them Free

Congrats goes out to the Skinny Dude!! Let me know when you're ready for your interview, Barack.

Skinny Voter in the Wild

I bet he voted for the Skinny Dude.

Skinny Dude Interview: Nate R.

On this election day, I'd like to provide all of you with something very important. Our very first interview with a REAL LIVE SKINNY DUDE! I know this Skinny personally. We both are affiliated with the hooligans known as the Rovers Scooter Club. He also writes a food blog, exemplifying his status as a TRUE Skinny Dude. Ladies & Skinny Dudes, I present for your line-at-the-polls reading pleasure, an interview with a Skinny Dude:



Name: Nate R.
Age: 25
Occupation: Copywriter
Status: Skinny & Single
Weight: 148.5
Waist: 29"

A: Well, first I should thank you for bringing your Skinny into our home. We appreciate it. I feel thinner just being around you. We’ll start with the particulars. What size jeans do you wear?

SD: 29X32

A: Where do you shop?

SD: H&M, but all my jeans are Levi’s.

A: Do you feel they have good jeans for a Skinny Dude?

SD: Yeah, I actually bought real skinny jeans recently, it’s the first time I’ve owned “official” skinny jeans. They did the job.

A: They were men’s skinny jeans?

SD: Yeah. I don’t wear women’s jeans.

A: Sometimes Skinny Dudes have to wear women’s jeans.

SD: Yeah…I don’t do that.

A: Have you ever been mistaken for a child?

SD: Yes, all the time. Or…a minor, I should say. Most people don’t believe I’m 25. I think most people think I’m about 17.

A: Yeah…well, that’s the Skinny for ya. How much food would you say you eat in a day?

SD: Well, I definitely eat three meals…probably at least three snacks. I kind of eat constantly. At the office there’s always free food and so I’m always taking advantage of that. There’s a movie theater popcorn maker there...

A: Oooh!

SD: ...So I eat that a lot. When it first came out I was having four bags a day. It became a problem.



A: but you never gained an ounce, I take it?

SD: Well, for the longest time I weighed like, 135lbs and according to the scale in my friend’s bathroom I weigh 150lbs now.

A: Now??

SD: Yeah.

A: Well, you don’t look an ounce over 130.

SD: Yeah, so…that might be an inaccurate scale.

A: What is your favorite food?

SD: I could eat Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza’s forever. I’ve been eating those for as long as I remember. I used to come home everyday after high school and eat one.

A: Those rule. You said they have a new package, what’s that all about?

SD: They do have a new package. It’s a cheaper feeling wrapper. It’s more loud and crinkly, while the other kind was more of a soft, more heavy-duty plastic. But this one has the seam you can tear open with your hands, where as the other one you had to cut open with a knife.

A: What is your favorite flavor of Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza?

SD: Pepperoni.



A: Ok. Let’s see…What is the smallest crevice you’ve ever squeezed through? This is an important question, as it is part of the Skinny Dude Olympics.

SD: Oh man…

A: You’ve had to have shimmied your way through something at one point or another in your life…

SD: Well, I’m sure there have been ones skinnier than this, but the skinniest one that I can remember is in Ypsilanti. There is an abandoned paper mill with a dam & a waterfall on the other side of fence that leads up to the side of the abandoned building. But there’s a crack in the fence that you can squeeze through, if you’re lucky. You can go down this concrete platform and look over the river on the waterfall. I’ve been able to squeeze through that & take in the majestic views of the ghetto.

A: Were you the only one in your group of friends that could make it through?

SD: I was with my friend Bobby who is also very skinny.

A: Oh…can you put me in touch with him?

SD: I can try, he’s hard to get in touch with.

A: Alright, see what you can do. So what would you do if you weren’t skinny?

SD: I think people would think I was less novel. I’d go a lot slower on my Vespa. I think people would be less amused by my food blog. Maybe people would think I was my age. People must think all the time “Why is this 17 year old guy talking to me?”.



A: What is the hardest part about being a Skinny Dude?

SD: When people are always telling me, “Well, someday you’re gonna get fat!” because I’m pretty convinced that I’m not. If you look at my family, we’re all skinny. Even into old age. And we also have beautiful, luscious heads of hair on both sides. So I’m not very worried.

A: What can the world do to better cater to the skinny kind? What more can we do?

SD: Turn up your thermostats higher, provide a lot more free food. Because just because I’m skinny doesn’t mean I don’t want to eat a lot. It’s quite the opposite, I digest food quickly so I need to eat more. And I’m always on the hunt for food.

A: Do you have any tips for aspiring Skinny Dudes? Aside from dieting, which would disqualify them from this blog?

SD: If you’re an aspiring Skinny Dude, I’d say cut it out because you’re not fooling anyone and it’s going to come back to bite you in the ass someday.

A: Sweet. Well, I think that’s it. That’s the interview. So…let’s go get some red lobster.



And we did, dear readers. We went and got some red lobster. Nate R. ate 93 shrimp. I witnessed this. He is a true Skinny Dude, and one that I am very proud and honored to know. Thanks for your time, Nate. Keep being Skinny.

Skinny Dude Shopping: American Apparel

When I am hanging out with my throng of Skinny Dudes, one of the most common complaints I hear is, "I'm tired of shopping at JCPenny Kids. Where, oh where, can I get men's clothes that are made for a Skinny Dude, like me?!". I usually reply with the standard, "Quit your bitching, Skinny. Do you think that these five Taco Bell Big Box meals are going to eat themselves? You need less words in your trap, and more tacos". Or something else that reminds them that they are here for my amusement, not to yap at me all day and night. However, even I recognize that there may be a Skinny Dude not (currently) in my posse who has randomly happened upon this blog wondering the same thing. Where does a Skinny Dude find clothes that fit his tiny, tiny waist? No fear, Skinny Dudes. I am here to help.

UNLESS you are a Skinny Dude, there is no reason for you to shop at American Apparel. Yes, even you "coked up, you'll never be skinny enough for him to love you" hipster skinny ladies - don't need to shop there. The reason for this is because the world caters to the ultra-skinny lady. You can find clothes for your kind anywhere. Not so with the Skinny Dude. No, Skinny Dudes must take their frail, skin-and-bones bodies to the streets, wandering aimlessly, bodies draped in ill-fitted cloth until they happen upon the blinding white lights of the aforementioned hipster mecca. American Apparel carries a muthafuckin' 25 inch waist. FOR DUDES. No longer must a skinny dude be the victim of the tyrannical 28inch jean. American Apparel reaches a cold, famished hand in the general direction of the nearest Skinny Dude and says "Oh hello there, you look rather skinny. Perhaps you'd be interested in some jeans - or even leggings...perhaps? Come on in! Do you know where I can score some blow? I do. Ask one of our employees."



And so it goes. I apologize, Skinny Dudes. Due to the fact that you are so delightfully Skinny, American Apparel is one of the few stores you are able to find clothes that fit you. You have to shop there, and if I see you lingering outside, I have to judge you. So don't linger. Run in and out, and conceal your face while doing so.

American Apparel, if you're reading...Yes, you can advertise on this blog for a small fee. Email me at skinnydudes@blogspot.com


Source for this gem.

Celebrity Skinny Dude: Adrien Brody

In my attempt to bring you Skinny Dudes from all walks of life, from time to time we will feature a Skinny Dude who makes more money than you (A Celebrity). Fear not, haters of celebrity gossip - you will find no gossip here. Only straight up TRUTH and FACTS about Skinny Dudes. Without further adieu, I present our first Celebrity Skinny Dude - Adrien Brody

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There is something important to be said about Adrien Brody and his power as a Skinny Dude. A Skinny Dude is kind of like a girl with a lazy eye. On paper, there's really nothing good about either. The world we live in tells us that dudes should be strong, bulky and drive Hummers and sweet ladies should only have eyes that face in the proper, symmetrical directions. But if we look at either of these theories in practice, we find some serious flaws:



Hello there, Kristen Bell. I see that you have a lazy eye. I also have heard that some people consider you to be "hot". I would now like to drop some knowledge on y'all, so prepare thyselves accordingly. Part of the reason that Kristen Bell is hot is BECAUSE of her lazy eye. History has shown that girls with lazy eyes are almost always found to be attractive. The reason is because the lazy eye is so damn intriguing. You might be merely attempting to glance at a lady, but if she has a lazy eye - you end up staring, even if you aren't a lesbian or are a gay dude. This is because the lazy eye triggers the "something ain't right here" portion of your brain (picture here for reference), and the brain tells you - "You better investigate this further".

What does this have to do with Skinny Dudes, you ask? Well, dear readers, the same Science is at work with Skinny Dudes. Much like the trickery inherent in the lazy eye, Skinny Dudes wield the same power of intrigue. Sometimes this intrigue provides a convenient segue into perceived hotness. And we all know that hotness + skinny = POWER. Celebrity Skinny Dude, Adrien Brody, proves this beautifully.



When Adrien Brody won his Oscar, he walked right up on stage and planted one on Halle Berry. No bodyguards bum rushed the stage because Adrien Brody is not only Skinny, but he is smart. He sucked-in-his-face while he sucked-face in order to remind everyone that "Hey - this is under control. Skinny Dude at work here". I remember watching that telecast and hearing the initial shocked "GASP!" from the audience and the soothing "SIGH..." that immediately followed. No one even had to say "It's ok...IT'S OK! HE'S SKINNY!" We all knew we were in good hands.

You know what else Skinny Dude Adrien Brody gets to do? Hold a monkey.



Again, a testament to Adrien Brody's smarts (that portion of his brain must be larger than the cartoon portion). He has this photo taken while standing NEXT TO a Fatty. Again reminding everyone, including the monkey, that this shit is under control. Skinny's in the drivers seat.

I'd like to congratulate Adrien Brody for being so Skinny. You are slim beacon of light, guiding us all toward better days.

Famous (?) Skinny Dude: Bradford Cox

I hesitate to call this dude famous, because I don't know who the eff he is. However, he is so wonderfully Skinny that he had to be featured. His name is Bradford Cox, apparently he is in some band and holy lord - he is skinny:





I feel like this is important to share in order to give y'all a frame of reference for what I mean when I say "Skinny Dude". This blog is not about your average dude who is on the trim side. I'm sure you're thinking "Oh no...no. Not THAT Skinny!" Yes...YES! Always and ONLY that Skinny. This dude has Marfan Syndrome, which is a connective tissue disorder. Joey Ramone also had this disorder. Wikipedia tells me that people with Marfan's are typically tall, with long limbs and long thin fingers. Wikipedia does not, however, tell me that a benefit of having this disorder is that you become crazily Skinny. That being said, I don't think that Bradford can be an official Skinny Dude due to his medical condition. I will give him an honorable mention though. Keep it up Bradford!!! I think you have no choice - but keep it up anyway!

I hope this helps you all understand what we're talking about here in regards to the Skinny.

Skinny Dudes Defined - Part 1

The first order of business on this blog will be to define a Skinny Dude.

If you find yourself shopping in the children's section - you might be a Skinny Dude.

A true Skinny Dude is not concerned about his weight. A Skinny Dude is not a pussy, he's just Skinny. No dieting - you are not a true Skinny Dude if you diet. You generally eat approximately 3000 calories a day, yet never manage to gain an ounce. You've always been Skinny - you don't know why or how - it just is.

We are also not interested in Skinny Dudes who are Skinny because of their meth or heroin addiction. 100% naturally Skinny only. If you happen to smoke a bunch of weed, eat constantly because you have the munchies all the time - and yet still are super Skinny - that is ok.

Contrary to what YouTube says - THIS is NOT a Skinny Dude, even if the title of the video is "Skinny dude with glasses trips on acid!"



That is, however, a normally sized dude with big problems. Nothing Skinny about him, and this ain't a blog about dudes with problems. Skinny Dudes have no problems, ever. They are gleefully Skinny. What problems could they possibly have?

I don't want to list height/weight requirements. If you think you might be a Skinny Dude - you're probably wrong, but go ahead and send your picture to SkinnyDudes@gmail.com - I'll size you up and decide if you qualify to be featured on the blog.

Skinny Dudes cannot be children. Most children are Skinny, but until they are at least 18 years old, they are not considered Dudes. Skinny Children do not interest me.

Japanese people seem to have an unfair advantage. All of their dudes tend to all be Skinny Dudes. Lucky for all y'all Japanese Dudes - I am not excluding you from this blog. In fact, that Japanese dude that eats the hot dogs - Takeru Kobayashi - used to be a Skinny Dude, but then he fell victim to one of the most tragic things that can happen to a Skinny Dude - he got strong. More on that some other time. Japanese dudes - you are welcome here.

I can't see this dude from the front, but I'm willing to bet that he would meet the initial Skinniness criteria for a Qualified Skinny Dude. Jesus Christ, look at those legs. They are like little twigs. Skinny little twigs. Holy shit, that guy seems to be quite skinny. I worry that he is addicted to heroin though, thus disqualifying him. We may never know.

Finally - I wonder how gay this blog will get. In doing an initial search on Flickr for Skinny Dudes, the results seemed a little gay-heavy. Straights, do not let that deter you from submitting your photo. While I cannot guarantee that a gay will not masturbate to your skinny image, what harm would that really do you? You should be happy that the gays appreciate your Skinniness. Everyone knows that they way to a ladies heart is through her gay friends. Win them over by letting them gaze upon your frail, skinny body.

We will continue to define what a Skinny Dude is throughout the life of this blog. The true criteria will become clear through interviews with real Skinny Dudes and further analysis of Skinny Dude culture. I do hope you stick around.

Welcome

Hello various fans of Skinny Dudes & Skinny Dude culture.

You may not yet realize that you are a fan of Skinny Dudes or you may even be wondering if you are a Qualified Skinny Dude.

You are a fan of SD's - this blog is going to show you why.

Chances are good that you are not a QSD - this blog will not only detail the rarity of a QSD but it is also going to outline specific criteria that will help you never wonder about anything ever again.

This blog will also cover a range of different subjects that pertain to Skinny Dudes. Intriguing topics like Where to buy pants if you are a Skinny Dude, Skinny Dude Celebrities, Interviews with Real Skinny Dudes, Submit a Skinny Dude, Skinny Dude Spottings, How to Tell a Real Skinny Dude from a Fake Skinny Dude, and much, much more. It's all leading up to the 1st Annual Skinny Dude Olympics, which will take place one year from this very first blog post. This blog is going to be fun, stupid, and wildly commercially successful.

I guess I should tell you that I am not a Skinny Dude. I am a lady, and I would not consider myself Skinny by the standards that this blog is going to set forth. This blog will not focus on Skinny or Non-Skinny Ladies. Only Dudes. Ladies, please feel free to read and comment - especially if you are pro-Skinny Dude. If you are anti- please leave immediately. Your kind is not wanted here.

Thanks for visiting! Come back soon and tell your friends! Only 365 days to the First Annual Skinny Dude Olympics!